Never Split the Difference

Chapter 1

• If you can change your counterpart’s emotional response, you can change their logical response.
• People respond more to their emotions than they do to logic and numbers.
• If a person feels listened to then they will listen to themselves more to clarify how they feel.
• A negotiator’s job is to gather emotional information, and influence their behavior.
• You have a right and a responsibility to ask for what you think is best in the world; you get what you ask for.

Chapter 2

• Some people think of negotiating as an argument. That’s because they have too many voices inside their head. The way you quiet them is by listening and identifying what other people need, and getting them to keep talking about it.
• How we carry ourselves has more affect on the other person than the words we use.
• The other person has to feel like it’s safe to share. To get people to feel comfortable with us, to make them feel like we’re listening, we can slow down our speaking pace.
• We can be playful in our voice, or calm and collected.
• Tone plays an important factor too. An upward tone conveys uncertainty. A downward tone conveys control and confidence.
• Mirroring, or using the 2–3 most important words the other person just said, is a great way to show you are listening and relate to your counterpart.
• You can say those 2–3 words along with “I’m sorry” in the form of a “help me understand” question, then go silent for your counterpart to expound on requests. That’s a good way to rebuttal without being confrontational.

Chapter 3

• Good negotiators don’t ignore or undervalue their counterpart’s emotions. Instead, they use them to influence them.
• They can learn everything they need to know by watching and listening to their counterpart, and keeping their own mouth shut.
• You can spot people’s feelings when they change their tone, words or body language. Most often these changes come from the words you (the negotiator) makes.
• Empathy is the ability to understand why someone is feeling what they’re feeling. Tactical empathy is being able to put that into words (those are called labels). You do not need to agree with someone in order to practice tactical empathy.
• By labeling feelings of tense situations, fears are brought into light and situations become less frightening. Also, by correctly labeling anger with compassion, your counterpart will be able to cool down and think more clearly (because people don’t rationalize while angry). After labeling, go silent for your counterpart to react, then repeat.
• Labels should also be used to reinforce the positive.
• By using labels, you are taking down the barriers of “no”; things that prevent your counterpart from doing what you’d like them to do.
• If you have to give bad news, the best way to start is by giving an accusation audit — a list of labels that your counterpart could feel either towards you or towards what you have to say. This gets rid of any negative feelings early, before they take root and start interfering with how your counterpart could make decisions.
• Mirrors, labels and silence are all parts of a symphony. You have to learn how to use them in cadence with your counterpart in order to establish a real human interaction.

Chapter 4

• There are three types of “yes”
• Counterfeit — it means “no” but your counterpart feels it’s easier to say “yes” in the moment; will weasel out of it later.
• Confirmation — neutral. Used to answer black and white questions.
• Commitment — When the other person says they will do something, then fully intends on doing said thing
• People give counterfeit yes’s because they don’t feel safe saying “no.” People need to feel two things: safe/secure and in control.
• People say “no “for various reasons. It’s seldom because they’ve thought about all the options and weighed them out. Reasons for No include: not being ready, not understanding, not feeling like they can afford it, not feeling comfortable, wanting something else, wanting to talk it over with someone, wanting more information.
• Asking them questions that let them feel okay with saying “no” lets them feel they are in control and lets them feel more comfortable saying “yes” in the future. Moreover, questions that give them the freedom to say “no” gives them freedom to think while feeling in control.
• Push people to say “no” by asking them questions that they will want to say “no” to. “Are you okay with the company looking unprepared?”
• “No” questions and mislabels are a great way to grab someone’s attention when you are feeling ignored. Mislabels are labels that reflect what someone doesn’t want in order to get their attention and to clarify what they mean. “It seems like you are eager to leave your job,” when they really want to stay, will get them to clarify why they want to stay. “No” questions do this similarly by grabbing their attention.
• “No” questions play with the counterpart’s aversion to lose. “Have you given up on this project?” Is a good example. It’s sincerely asking, and they have the opportunity to explain and feel in control. You’ve just made them break their silence without them realizing it.

Chapter 5

• Get your counterpart to say “that’s right.”
• “That’s right” is an epiphany that happens near the end or middle of a negotiation. It occurs when your counterpart realizes that you understand him, sometimes better than they understand themselves.
• You get a “that’s right” by:

1. being silent after they speak, giving them a chance to keep talking and draining what they have to say.
2. Minimal encouragers like “mhmm”, “uh-huh”, “okay”, “go on”, etc.
3. Mirroring
4. Labeling
5. Paraphrasing what they said
6. Summarizing what they said (labels and paraphrasing together)

• “You’re right” is different. “Your right” is used to get you to shut up and move on. “That’s right” means there’s good communication. “You’re right” means communication is being shut down.

Chapter 6

• Splitting the difference, compromising, being accommodating, etc, seems like both parties win, but in reality, neither party gets what they actually want.
• Splitting the difference is driven by avoiding uncomfortable feelings, not by our actual goals.
• Deadlines make us feel like closing on a deal (even if it’s bad) is better than no deal.
• Good negotiators know that deadlines are arbitrary and seldom have the consequences we think they have.
• Good negotiators use deadlines to push their counterpart into making a decision. If the deal is off for you, it’s off for them too. They remember that no deal is better than a bad deal.
• Your counterpart thinks different than you and they have a different version of what’s fair. If they feel they’ve been treated unfairly, they will walk or make rash decisions.
• The word “fair” is used in three ways

1. “we just want what’s fair” — Makes the other person feel defensive. If used on you, ask where you started to treat them unfairly. Determine to fix the mistake.
2. “we’ve already given you a fair offer” — manipulative. De-escalate the attack by asking “fair?” Then pause for effect. “It seems like you’re ready to provide evidence that supports that.” Then pause and let them explain.
3. Best way to use it is by using it to help the other person feel at ease by saying something like ,“I want you to feel like you’re being treated fairly. Please stop me if you don’t feel like you are being treated that way. We’ll stop and we’ll address it.” This way builds trust.

• People will choose something certain over a better probability. Moreover, people take greater risks to avoid loss than achieve an equal gain.
• Bend their reality

1. Dispel fears with an accusation audit
2. Don’t open (most of the time).
3. If you do have to give a number, give them a 3rd party range; “other people have paid between x and z.” Make your ranges seem extreme so they will take whatever is closest to you. If you want $300, make the range $300-$500.
4. If what they are asking is high, ask what they can throw in for you that’s not important to them, but important to you. If what you are asking is high, see if you can give them something that’s not important to you, but helpful to them.
5. When you use a number, give a specific number that ends in an odd number. It seems calculated that way.
6. If they reject your price, offer a gift. They’ll think you’re out of money.

• The only real value is the emotional value someone gives something. People can justify giving you a bigger salary if they know you will get the job done. People will accept getting a lower price if it means getting the item off their hands.

Chapter 7

• Humans generally want something in return if they give something. Asking “how” something can be done, gets your counterpart thinking about solutions for your problem without them realizing it, and without them feeling the need of repayment. “How” says “no” without saying “no.”
• “Unbelief” is a barrier in which your counterpart actively rejects the other side’s perspective. If neither side drops that perspective, negotiations will not happen. Asking calibrated questions gets your counterpart to drop those unbeliefs without feeling like they are giving something or needing repayment.
• Calibrated questions are questions with a specific purpose, used to get your counterpart to start seeing your perspective.
• They are the “how” and “what” questions, asked with sincerity.
• Calibrated questions appeal to the other side’s ego. Essentially, you’re saying there’s a problem, you don’t have a solution, so you’re asking for counterpart’s help.
• If you feel yourself getting mad, don’t speak until that passion has dissipated. If the other person starts to get angry, ask a calibrated question. When angry, it’s hard to make good decisions. It’s best to pause, think, and ask questions. Those questions help get blood to the brain and calm everyone down.
• Negotiations aren’t a boxing match, they’re a judo match. You’re meant to influence, not strong arm.

Chapter 8

• Must reach an agreement and an execution. “What can we do to finalize this?”
• Sometimes there’s people on the other line or in another room that are actually in charge of the deal. Often, they are more important than the person you are talking with.
• In order to influence them, ask calibrated questions about them to gauge their feelings. Like, “How does this affect the rest of your team?”, “How on board is everybody else?”, or “what’s your team think of all this?”
• It only takes one person to say “no” to a deal, so make sure you know how everyone is feeling.
• Because most deals are made based on emotional factors, the best way to read emotions is the 7/38/55 rule. Where 7% of emotions are based on words, 38% is based on tone, and 55% is based on body language. When any of these aren’t in agreement with each other, use labels to find out why. “You said you were fine with the deal, but it sounds like you have some reservations.” Using labels in this situation builds trust with your counterpart, and it gets rid of any surprises that might come up late.
• When people give counterfeit Yes’s, get them to agree three times. That way, you can weed out any inconsistencies and get to the truth, the “no.” Labels, “that’s right”, and calibrated questions are good ways to do that. Another way to tell if someone is lying is if they use more words and complex phrases.
• If they use more first-person pronouns, the more important they think they are. If they use more third-person pronouns, the more important they actually are.
• If someone is aggressive, get them to say your name. That humanizes yourself. “Hi, I’m…”
• Four ways to say “no” before saying “no”/getting someone to bid against themself

1. How am I supposed to do that?
2. Your offer is very generous, I’m sorry that just doesn’t work for me.
3. I’m sorry, I’m afraid I can’t do that.
4. I’m sorry, no
5. No (downward, reflective tone)

Chapter 9

• In order to haggle someone, you have to rattle the other guy gently, nicely. In order to do that, you have to be aware of your weaknesses and play to your strengths as a negotiator as and be aware of your counterpart’s strengths and weaknesses too. There are three types of negotiators:

1. Analyst — Minimize risks and take time to analyze and come to conclusions. Their voice is slow and calm. They work alone. When they talk to someone, they are giving something of themselves (their time). If they don’t receive communication within an amount of time, they lose trust. If you are working with an analyst, don’t shut off flow of communication. If you are one, smile more.
2. Accommodator — They want to keep rapport with people even if the deal doesn’t go through. If you’re working with an accommodator, gently nudge them with calibrated questions to keep them on track. If you are an accommodator, continue to be likable, but don’t sacrifice your objections.
3. Assertive — Time is money. If things aren’t getting done in time, they’re losing money. They don’t ask, they tell. Can’t listen until they feel they’ve been heard. If you’re working with an assertive type, the most important thing to get from them is a “that’s right.” If you are one, be conscious of your tone and be approachable.

• Silence is interpreted differently by each type. For an analyst silence means the other is thinking. For an accommodator, silence feels like anger, so they get nervous. For the assertive, silence means the other side wants to listen to the speaker. If an assertive goes silent, that means they have nothing more to say and they’re ready to listen.
• People fail to understand their counterpart all the time because they assume their counterpart negotiates the same way they do.
• Things to remember: Never make an enemy. Never think of your counterpart as the enemy. Your counterpart’s not the problem; the problem’s the problem. Anything but an outright “no” of your offer means you have an edge.
• You might be under fire with a tough negotiator. Under times of pressure like this, you don’t rise to the occasion, you fall to your highest level of preparation. Ways to deal with the heat: say “no” in ways previously discussed, talk about non monetary deals, refer to what someone else would pay. Main point of it all is to get information from your counterpart. Don’t compromise under pressure of extreme anchors.

Chapter 10

• Known Known — Facts that won’t change (like name of a person)
• Known Unknown — Things you know could happen (someone could get sick)
• Unknown Unknown — Information you’re not even aware that exists (Black Swans)
• Black Swans are any bits of information that change the way you negotiate
• You can’t use known information on black swans. For example, if you know people always react a certain way to something, then suddenly one person doesn’t react. That’s an opportunity to find a black swan. Remember, it can’t be operated with past experiences.
• Black swans can always appear in a negotiation and your counterpart doesn’t know that their black swans will be important to you, so they often keep them unguarded. However, they are hard to find, so always be present in the negotiation, looking for any signs of emotional information, change in tone or body language, pauses that signal discomfort or lying. Label back to them everything you see to be sure you extract all of their emotional information. Ask yourself “why are they doing what they are doing right now?”
• Black swans create leverage. Leverage can be manufactured whether it exists or not. What’s most important is the leverage your counterpart thinks you have on them. Whoever doesn’t have the leverage in negotiation will feel like they have the most to lose. So persuade the other person they have something to lose if the deal falls through.
• Three types of leverage

1. Positive leverage — Ability to give or withhold something. Once someone asks for something, you now have something they want. Good negotiators withheld making offers because they don’t want to give that up. Once you have it, you can use it to identify what else they want (aka, why they want what you have). You can use that to get the most out of your deal.
2. Negative Leverage — ability to make the other side hurt. “If you do/don’t do this, then I will…” This can be nuclear, so be cautious using it. Works best by labeling situation “it seems like your boss doesn’t like dishonest employees.”
3. Normative — Bringing to light inconsistencies in your counterpart’s belief system. By making them look like a hypocrite to themselves. Ask what they believe, then listen.

• How well you listen determines your influence, level of success, ability to speak in order to resonate with them.
• Any similarity of word usage, belief system, etc builds rapport with counterpart.
• People don’t like the unknown, they’re afraid of it. When we think of someone or their actions as “crazy” it’s because it’s unfamiliar to us. As we get to know the unknown about them (why they are or act weird to us), we discover their black swans.
• Reasons for people acting Crazy are:
• Ill-informed — when people have bad information, they make bad decisions. Find out what information they are missing, and give it to them.
• Constraints — when people appear to want to move forward, but are hesitant. Figure out what’s holding them back
• Other interests — maybe there’s a better opportunity for them that you don’t know about.
• Listen and discover those black swans by getting face time and observing how they act, especially when they aren’t guarded. Take them away from the deal if you have to.
• As you look for what you honestly believe, you can ignore and overcome that part of your brain that’s giving you fear.
• Double check what you hear from your counterpart with either your counterpart or other listeners involved on your team.

Preparing a one sheet

1. Write down both the worst and best case scenarios, and aim for the best. Don’t be so sure of what you wan’t that you wouldn’t take something better.
2. Set it
3. Write it down
4. Share it
5. Remember it
6. Summarize the facts that led up to the negotiation. Can be done with a few questions

• Why are they negotiating with you?
• What do they want?
• Why are you there?

1. Prepare 3–5 labels/ accusations of how they might feel, even if it seems crazy to you.

• It seems like you value/don’t value
• It looks like you like/don’t like
• It sounds like (blank) is valuable to you
• It seems you’re reluctant to (do blank)

1. We assume what our counterpart wants interferes with what we want. That’s probably not the case. Prepare 3–5 calibrated questions to uncover what they value and what could kill the deal (what they are afraid of):

• How does that affect the rest of your team?
• How does that make it worthwhile?
• What’s the core issue here?
• How does that fit into our objective?

After asking these questions, follow up with labels to make sure you understand their answer correctly and to extrapolate any more information they might give. Your job is to make them look good in the face of change. Make sure you can keep their status, reputation, etc in good condition or better.

1. Prepare a list of non-cash items that would be valuable. Favors, vacation time, gifts, etc.

Originally published at https://elijahslens.wixsite.com on April 9, 2020.